11.22.2024 2:27
Wow therapy was intense, a lot of stuff about what direction I want to go in my transition and life in general. Do I face what I'm running from, embrace my butchness and learn how to fight or do I "fully transition" learn how to live as a man, biting my tongue and keeping my head above the water and try to leave the country to a place where I'll never need to think or fear about my transness again? Still though, not as intense as stone butch blues. I don't think I've ever read anything that spoke to me the same way, it's like looking at my reflection for the first time. Its hard though, its harder when you know whats coming. I hope the old butches are looking at me with kindness and will help me nurture my strength. I'm finally learning typing in code instead of the endless copy and pasteing from elsewhere in my page so I'm speeding up a lot. Good things coming soon hopefully.
11.21.2024 12:45
My mom got home from Taos last night, she knocked her back out and got super sick on the plane but shes doing alright now give or take. I'm happy shes home. My mom is probably one of the coolest people I know. Also, she brought me weed:> We are looking for cranial 101 to do together. Its grey and rainy here. I made a guestbook but its not linking:(( I cannot figure out why for the life of me. My syntax is so broken tho, I literally did not have a html tag until like 5 minutes ago. This is going to take forever.
11.20.2024 6:18
Finally done with 70% of the things that have been hanging over my head related to my arrest. Having a bit of a gender and sexuality crisis as well as a life crisis in general but thats par for the course with me. Just really ready for my hands to work again. ugh. Back to playing bass after getting through this gross blister, next song: we are the dead by bowie. Yeah nothing to really report but I think I might be a butch? 0-0 Idfk man. Oh also I have fallen head over heels with Izzy Hands from ofmd. I want him to sing me to sleep and I want to watch him suck dick. He's my perfect little meow meow. OH also also I'm going to a anime OVA showing. I'm so fucking nervous and excited. I hope there will anime freaks and oldheads and not just art students who like Akira. See how pretentious I am? I need to be around my ppl so I can talk about the raw uber obscure doujin I found from 1995 comiket or whatever. Its at spectacle theater in NYC. I'll be there looking awkward as shit, Say hi if you see me.
11.15.2024 1:18
There was a gasleak at my house but way more importantly I'M SEEING MCR BABYY!!!!!!!
11.11.2024 6:01pm
I'm so tired of this man
11.8.2024 10:20pm
Wow. a lot happened. The outing was unsuccessful, even though I wasted one of my few cigs I get to gain the confidence to go up and introduce myself. I almost threw up and fainted with anxiety. I'm starting to realize this is a bigger issue then can be solved with just going to random events and failing over and over to talk to anyone. A warrant went out for my arrest and was revoked in the span of 30 minutes. There was a big fire in the park near my house. Me, my dad and my brother all went out to look for it. There were more fire trucks then I've ever seen. Every entrance was blocked off but we know the park better then the cops and found a way in, We were walking through this path in the dark with police searchlights all around us, my knee dislocated (or something) so I was hobbling behind. None of us said a word. I consider myself a master of getting around the park but I pale compared to my dad. In the dark even I was getting turned around with all the weird routes he was taking us, under briges and through barely stomped paths and stuff. It was actually pretty fun and made me feel okay again. I'm glad the fires out, even though I wish I could have seen it. I'll pray for rain in my own way. Dinner is rice and a packet of daal that I put in the rice cooker bcs I'm lazy.
11.8.2024 1:33pm
Feeling a lot better today, I made some website changes I liked, I'm going to hancos and to get tires with my dad and I have a cool mutual aid thing with cool trans ppl 2nite! I'm feeling pretty nervous because I haven't talked to a new person in like 10 months and this is a ton of new ppl. I'm going to stay calm and it will all be okay. I hope they like me.
11.6.2024 5:30pm
Walked my Billy girl (dog, white and black, big, v cute) and only cried a little bit. It was a beatiful night and I felt so held by the earth in my grief. So excited for my edible to kick in dude, might double up, I'm ready to be high off my ass
11.6.2024 12:50pm
Well I woke up in excruciating pain and nausea and ended up sitting on my bathroom floor with a blanket wrapped around me just thinking about how fucked up everything was. Luckily 12 years of chronic pain has well prepared me for the situation and my brain just shut off. I passed out for 4 hrs. Woke up feeling better, even though no one is home. I made my tea with as much soy milk and hunny as I want. Nothing feels okay right now, there have been sirens outside all morning. We’re going to be okay.
11.6.2024 3:17 am
Well, this is definitely going on my worst night of my life list. Fuck. At least I was with D instead of sitting on my computer myself like a loser. Thanks D, ily. If anyone is reading this, we're going to figure it out and fight through it, like we always have. I know it feels like the worst thing in the world but most things that have been the worst thing in the world have died and us trans folk are still here.
11.5.2024 11:24
It's election day! Aghghghghhhhhhhh!
11.4.2024 9:09
Last night I acted like a idiot I apologized and now we're closer then ever, maybe too close. I'm really having a hard time being clinged onto in this way, especially by my ex. He just wants to be actually touching and talking all of the time and he won't share what he wants/needs but he's obviously unsatisfied with the way I live. It was honestly better talking to him last night bcs he was just being real with it. I just need to make it through today and half of tomorrow till the end of the visit. D took me on a walk to clear my head. We smoked cigs which I didn't even know he smoked and drank arizona ice tea on one of the benches by the circle. He seemed to understand how and why I said the things I did which I don't think I even do. I swore off being T4T. We are both stressed as all fuck about the election. We are both hardcore leftists but we are going to lib the fuck out these next few days. We'll figure out what to do when trumps not in office. Idk man. Talking with D always gets my head on straight, even if I smell like cigarettes after.
11.3.2024 8:02
Just got into a fight with my friend. I basically just got upset when he made a joke about me not understanding music. I didnt even hear him out when he tried to explain. I don't understand music, why did I get so upset? It was a pretty douchey joke tho. I could be getting high and watching anime but instead I'm writing on this stupid website that doesn't even work. My Mom bought me some mochi, it was pretty good for being sweetened with maple syrup. Thanks, Ma.
11.3.2024
Just voted! time to be incredibly stressed out for days on end!! Someone at the voting office told me to stay at my parents until they kick me out, working part time and giving them a little grocery money to keep them from realizing I eat all their food. She said I seemed like a good kid.
11.2.2024
lupin movies with my best friend two nights in a row! the mystery of mamo 2nite (1978) update: we turned it off after the part with hitler. It was mid. Castle of cagliostro was much better. Interesting as a piece of history, didn't really grab me as a story.
Just watched episode 5 of Ranma 1/2 (2024). I was a little disappointed at the handling of Akane's hair getting chopped off. I felt having Akane decompress in front of Dr. Tofu instead of a more mellow talk over burgers with Ranma took some of the well needed breathing time they get between being challenged by fiancées or yelling at each other and took a little bit of the quiet respect out of their relationship. Ryoga was so well done though I couldn't pretend to be mad, I love him so much. They do a great job capturing how funny this story is. I'm not very into modern anime (or art generally) so my biggest hope with this show is to expose trans kids to the genderqueer world Rumiko Takahashi built. I love this world so much.
11.1.2024
Hi:3:3 This is my first post! I'm keeping this website as a catalogue of art I find interesting or cool as well as my thoughts and feelings. It's my space to put all my creative proclivities on display and will be a whole lot of VHS and Laserdisc anime, old manga, fanzines and mags, queer history and other cool stuff! I hope you will find something on here and love it even more than I do!
Lets all love Lain!