3.28.2025 3:53pm
Woah, its been a while. Pretty much everything is different now. I live in a new place which I'm still getting used to and am in training to be a massage therapist. This is my life for a while. I don't have a job and am losing money fast. I can't really ask for more from my family so I'm pretty much just stressed out all of the time lmao. But I think I'm doing okay? At least I have some direction in my life now. I wanna be better about writing here I've just been feeling a weird guilt over scraping this project. Honestly feeling really good just writing the code needed for this enty again. Anyway watch this space ig.
12.26.2024 3:37pm PST
I saw elephant seals today! And I saw a eagel try to eat a seagul. My wrists are stil okay?????? idk my whole body is super sore. Me and my brother are like actual fucking brothers again. It's fucking awesome.
12.26.2024 8:11pm PST
Okay yeah so what the actual fuck. I am in california visiting family and my hands don't hurt. Like what the fuck. Today multiple times I lifted a seven year old from the ground to my shoulders. I am not able to do that. what the fuck is going on. I slept okay. Ate gluten and sugar. Wore braces all day. I have huge rashes on my nuckles. T is sick. Aced the presents this year I am literally the best.
12.19.2024 9:52am
DREAM JOURNAL: I was really stoned and my mom was having a dinner party. I found tor on my computer with progress notes. It downloaded liveleak/newgrounds files onto my computer. I was scared. it was a point and click. I wanted to kms to close the page and delete the files but it wouldn't let me. Where the old school close button was supposed to be was a smily face. Kris is trans old forum post. T was very unhelpful.
12.19.2024
DREAM JOURNAL: I was in a airport at a experimental games gallery and I went into a room/ exibet called hands and mr cigarette. when I went in it was a animitronic of a thin person with hands for her head in a pink sweater. She was writing a letter to herself but kept turning to me and I kept nodding. She was writing about something traumatic, i think sa regarding mr. cigarrete there was a cig on a pillow. Then a animitronic cat-person walked in and after looking at them for a sec I realized they were representative of pinkie pie and hands became twightlight sparkle. Me a TS had repore so we were laughing and hanging out and we made a joke calling pinkie dumb bcs she was a cat-person. She cut her ears, close to crying and said I was born with antlers, those are my ears and stormed out. Me a TS talked for a while longer and then I walked out, thinking it was an incredible expiremental game and was really glad I went, especially bcs i didn't realize it was mlp. Then I went out, talked to a group of people outside. I joked that someone was a little twee without really knowing what I meant, when I tried to look it up I looked up something that turned out to be a roasted fire stick dish. The person I called twee and me were messing around. She was really pretty. She mentioned a dinner at the airport for staff because she used to be staff. I knew her boss was sexually abusive and she had to work in a dark stairway so when someone newer to the group asked "oh you worked here, what did you do" I said "just made cereal or something idk" and she gave me a little squeeze. She didn't know I knew but ig she did now. I was talking to another guy there and he asked what gate I was at. I checked and said one. He said wait how long till your flight and I said 30 mins and he said, how long did it take you to get here. I took off running. I looked around and it was gate 887-889 I ran, there were no signs and no staff, eventually I ran into a fancy airport resturant. They definatly didn't want me in there but a kind person told me directions but I couldn't proccess them. I ran through the resturnant then forgot which to go, left or right so I went left. I ran through a baths with a low ceiling and headed for the stairs. I ran into the abusive ex boss then woke up.
12.13.2024 7:44pm
Everything is sorta bad and I don't want to talk about it but me and my brother are getting closer?! Its been super awkward for literal years and now we're laughing and fucking around again. I'm sure he, like me is playing it up and faking a bit to overcome the years of awkwardness but it seems less and less stressful and weird to do. Pretty cool. I beat him down the apartment stairs.
12.6.2024 9:39pm
I literally know how to socialize with everyone in the world in the world why am i so autistic
12.4.2024 4:34am
Everyone look at my new shirt
11.30.2024 9:01am
Yesterday I went up to visit my grandparents as well as my uncle, aunt and some of my cousins. My grandma has pretty severe dementia and a lot of my family don't have the patience to include her in the conversation anymore. I know she doesn't remember that they do that but I know it frustrates her. Usually I'm a nuetral party but this time I put myself on grandma duty specifically. It was so much fun. We were laughing the whole time and she kept telling me it was the most fun night she's ever had. A lot of what she said wasn't coherent but when I could usually understand whether to nod or laugh. At one point she told me "well, you're not as dumb as you look" which is so quintessential my grandma it almost made me tear up. She said that all the girls are going to love my hair and when I told her about my future she really listened to me. When she tries to make a statement she usually forgets what she's talking about but she shared some grandma wisdom even still. She even expresssed frustration to me about losing the thread of her thoughts so much and forgetting so many things. I haven't heard her complain about it yet so I was pretty suprised. Sometimes you can forget she's even aware of it, she's so used to being a mother and grandmother and keeping strong. She's a great grandma now, my cousin just had a baby. When we went out of the resturant she said you need to be careful, the cops come out at night and you don't know where they're hiding. She told me not to get myself thrown in the slammer but if I do call her and she'll bail me out. She even remembered me because I've been coming up so much which hasn't happened in at least a year! She said she was glad I was her grandson. I feel like all the work I've been doing has been paying off. Then in the car home me and T (my brother) actually had a conversation!!! Our relationship has been pretty strained and mostly we don't talk besides saying hi when I see him at night. Even though we live together I miss him. He told me about the history of rap in a really good and well thought out way. I know he liked rap but I didn't know he's put so much time into it. He had dates and a ton of names and even the socio-political climate of the states and cities differnet waves were born from. AND when we got home he grabbed my headphones and then he BROUGHT THEM DOWN FOR ME instead of leaving them on the table. I'm really happy about all that. When I got home I got in bed and played stardew valley for 5 hrs straight.
11.27.2024 3:35pm
PPL ARE FOLLOWING MY SILLY WEBSITE? AND LEAVING SWEET COMMENTS? MWAH MWAH MWAH I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!
11.24.2024 11:54am
I didn't make it to the viewing yesterday bcs i forgot my money and the trains were shit but I had so much fun i didn't even care. I walked all over brooklyn and got lunch at my favorite asian market and then begged my way onto the ferry and rode it all to way to far sunset park. It was so cool. I had Japanese citypop loaded onto my mp3 player and it felt so fuckin good eating my onigiri on the bow of the ship with my hair blowing back listening to it. At one point I almost I lost my mp3 player over the side. Pretty good day all in all. I finished most of my ISAE class last night and finished it off this morning. I'm so close to being done w/ all this shit. Don't really know which way to go with this website, sorta want to redo my whole layout but idk. I'll make a links page then figure it out. I've got such a complex about it >_<
11.22.2024 2:27pm
Wow therapy was intense, a lot of stuff about what direction I want to go in my transition and life in general. Do I face what I'm running from, embrace my butchness and learn how to fight or do I "fully transition" learn how to live as a man, biting my tongue and keeping my head above the water and try to leave the country to a place where I'll never need to think or fear about my transness again? Still though, not as intense as stone butch blues. I don't think I've ever read anything that spoke to me the same way, it's like looking at my reflection for the first time. Its hard though, its harder when you know whats coming. I hope the old butches are looking at me with kindness and will help me nurture my strength. I'm finally learning typing in code instead of the endless copy and pasteing from elsewhere in my page so I'm speeding up a lot. Good things coming soon hopefully.
11.21.2024 12:45pm
My mom got home from Taos last night, she knocked her back out and got super sick on the plane but shes doing alright now give or take. I'm happy shes home. My mom is probably one of the coolest people I know. Also, she brought me weed:> We are looking for cranial 101 to do together. Its grey and rainy here. I made a guestbook but its not linking:(( I cannot figure out why for the life of me. My syntax is so broken tho, I literally did not have a html tag until like 5 minutes ago. This is going to take forever.
11.20.2024 6:18pm
Finally done with 70% of the things that have been hanging over my head related to my arrest. Having a bit of a gender and sexuality crisis as well as a life crisis in general but thats par for the course with me. Just really ready for my hands to work again. ugh. Back to playing bass after getting through this gross blister, next song: we are the dead by bowie. Yeah nothing to really report but I think I might be a butch? 0-0 Idfk man. Oh also I have fallen head over heels with Izzy Hands from ofmd. I want him to sing me to sleep and I want to watch him suck dick. He's my perfect little meow meow. OH also also I'm going to a anime OVA showing. I'm so fucking nervous and excited. I hope there will anime freaks and oldheads and not just art students who like Akira. See how pretentious I am? I need to be around my ppl so I can talk about the raw uber obscure doujin I found from 1995 comiket or whatever. Its at spectacle theater in NYC. I'll be there looking awkward as shit, Say hi if you see me.
11.15.2024 1:18pm
There was a gasleak at my house but way more importantly I'M SEEING MCR BABYY!!!!!!!
11.11.2024 6:01pm
I'm so tired of this man
11.8.2024 10:20pm
Wow. a lot happened. The outing was unsuccessful, even though I wasted one of my few cigs I get to gain the confidence to go up and introduce myself. I almost threw up and fainted with anxiety. I'm starting to realize this is a bigger issue then can be solved with just going to random events and failing over and over to talk to anyone. A warrant went out for my arrest and was revoked in the span of 30 minutes. There was a big fire in the park near my house. Me, my dad and my brother all went out to look for it. There were more fire trucks then I've ever seen. Every entrance was blocked off but we know the park better then the cops and found a way in, We were walking through this path in the dark with police searchlights all around us, my knee dislocated (or something) so I was hobbling behind. None of us said a word. I consider myself a master of getting around the park but I pale compared to my dad. In the dark even I was getting turned around with all the weird routes he was taking us, under briges and through barely stomped paths and stuff. It was actually pretty fun and made me feel okay again. I'm glad the fires out, even though I wish I could have seen it. I'll pray for rain in my own way. Dinner is rice and a packet of daal that I put in the rice cooker bcs I'm lazy.
11.8.2024 1:33pm
Feeling a lot better today, I made some website changes I liked, I'm going to hancos and to get tires with my dad and I have a cool mutual aid thing with cool trans ppl 2nite! I'm feeling pretty nervous because I haven't talked to a new person in like 10 months and this is a ton of new ppl. I'm going to stay calm and it will all be okay. I hope they like me.
11.6.2024 5:30pm
Walked my Billy girl (dog, white and black, big, v cute) and only cried a little bit. It was a beatiful night and I felt so held by the earth in my grief. So excited for my edible to kick in dude, might double up, I'm ready to be high off my ass
11.6.2024 12:50pm
Well I woke up in excruciating pain and nausea and ended up sitting on my bathroom floor with a blanket wrapped around me just thinking about how fucked up everything was. Luckily 12 years of chronic pain has well prepared me for the situation and my brain just shut off. I passed out for 4 hrs. Woke up feeling better, even though no one is home. I made my tea with as much soy milk and hunny as I want. Nothing feels okay right now, there have been sirens outside all morning. We’re going to be okay.
11.6.2024 3:17 am
Well, this is definitely going on my worst night of my life list. Fuck. At least I was with D instead of sitting on my computer myself like a loser. Thanks D, ily. If anyone is reading this, we're going to figure it out and fight through it, like we always have. I know it feels like the worst thing in the world but most things that have been the worst thing in the world have died and us trans folk are still here.
11.5.2024 11:24
It's election day! Aghghghghhhhhhhh!
11.4.2024 9:09
Last night I acted like a idiot I apologized and now we're closer then ever, maybe too close. I'm really having a hard time being clinged onto in this way, especially by my ex. He just wants to be actually touching and talking all of the time and he won't share what he wants/needs but he's obviously unsatisfied with the way I live. It was honestly better talking to him last night bcs he was just being real with it. I just need to make it through today and half of tomorrow till the end of the visit. D took me on a walk to clear my head. We smoked cigs which I didn't even know he smoked and drank arizona ice tea on one of the benches by the circle. He seemed to understand how and why I said the things I did which I don't think I even do. I swore off being T4T. We are both stressed as all fuck about the election. We are both hardcore leftists but we are going to lib the fuck out these next few days. We'll figure out what to do when trumps not in office. Idk man. Talking with D always gets my head on straight, even if I smell like cigarettes after.
11.3.2024 8:02
Just got into a fight with my friend. I basically just got upset when he made a joke about me not understanding music. I didnt even hear him out when he tried to explain. I don't understand music, why did I get so upset? It was a pretty douchey joke tho. I could be getting high and watching anime but instead I'm writing on this stupid website that doesn't even work. My Mom bought me some mochi, it was pretty good for being sweetened with maple syrup. Thanks, Ma.
11.3.2024
Just voted! time to be incredibly stressed out for days on end!! Someone at the voting office told me to stay at my parents until they kick me out, working part time and giving them a little grocery money to keep them from realizing I eat all their food. She said I seemed like a good kid.
11.2.2024
lupin movies with my best friend two nights in a row! the mystery of mamo 2nite (1978) update: we turned it off after the part with hitler. It was mid. Castle of cagliostro was much better. Interesting as a piece of history, didn't really grab me as a story.
Just watched episode 5 of Ranma 1/2 (2024). I was a little disappointed at the handling of Akane's hair getting chopped off. I felt having Akane decompress in front of Dr. Tofu instead of a more mellow talk over burgers with Ranma took some of the well needed breathing time they get between being challenged by fiancées or yelling at each other and took a little bit of the quiet respect out of their relationship. Ryoga was so well done though I couldn't pretend to be mad, I love him so much. They do a great job capturing how funny this story is. I'm not very into modern anime (or art generally) so my biggest hope with this show is to expose trans kids to the genderqueer world Rumiko Takahashi built. I love this world so much.
11.1.2024
Hi:3:3 This is my first post! I'm keeping this website as a catalogue of art I find interesting or cool as well as my thoughts and feelings. It's my space to put all my creative proclivities on display and will be a whole lot of VHS and Laserdisc anime, old manga, fanzines and mags, queer history and other cool stuff! I hope you will find something on here and love it even more than I do!
Lets all love Lain!